Downtown Sesame Street - Rainbow of Corruption
by charathegoatqueen
Summary: It has been two years since Sesame Street went off the air. Crime is rampant, corruption is common, and at the center of it all, an old friend has turned the tables. Now, it is up to a small band of heroes, villains, and vigilantes to discover what can be done to stop the corruption. Only one thing is certain - the streets have gone cold, and the love is lost.


**Downtown Sesame Street – Rainbow of Corruption**

 **Scene 1**

 _It's the first day of school. Ben is one of the new kids. Everyone is foreign in some way, shape, or form. He's on his way home when he sees some construction workers caging off a the school basement. His principal, Mr. Seymour Sawyer, is standing in front of it. Sawyer wears stereotypical principal outfits, but in off colors. He is an agent from Germany, but is pretending to be American._

 **Ben:**

Howdy Mr. Sawyer.

 _Ben is British, and wears stereotypical high school clothes, but he's from a poor family, so his clothes are mismatched._

 **Sawyer:**

Oh, hello Mr. Artimage. Enjoyin yer first day?

 **Ben:**

Yup. What's up?

 _Mr. Sawyer looks nervous._

 **Sawyer:**

Jus' a couple a. . . Renovations.

 **Ben:**

Why ya cagin up tha basement?"

 _Mr. Sawyer looks away._

 **Ben:**

Student saftay.

 _Ben walks away, but keeps looking back. He goes home. Later, he goes to bed, and keeps having visions of the basement. He wakes up, and sits up in fear._

 **Ben:**

Blimey, I gotta know what's in that basement!

 _Ben picks up a flashlight and steps out the door. When he gets to the school, strangely, the door to the basement is open._

 **Ben:**

Bullocks, the door's open!

 _He slowly enters the basement and steps through a second door. Then, he sees something terrifying – body parts. Hundreds of them. He tries to run back up the stairs, but there's someone standing there._

 **Sawyer:**

It's ya own fault.

 _Principal Sawyer steps into the light, with a gun._

 **Sawyer:**

Maybe ya know sumfin, maybe not. Can't take tha risk.

 **Ben:**

W-wha happened?

 **Sawyer:**

HE happened.

 **Ben:**

Who's that?

 **Sawyer:**

Once there was a feller named Pablo. He wasen a good man. He liked to do bad things. And now I'm gonna have to do a bad thing to you, boy.

 _Ben screams. Sawyer fires the gun and blows out Ben's knees. He collapses to the ground. As his life starts to see him, the last thing he sees are a large pair of boots approaching from behind him._

 **Scene 2:**

 _It's another late night at the office for brothers David (Solid Snake) and Bruce Wayne. By day, they're ordinary shmucks, but by night, they're master international detectives._

 **Bruce Wayne:**

Wanna get pizza?

 **Solid Snake:**

No, last time we went, they wanted us to wait ten minutes for two pizzas! Ten minutes!

 **Bruce Wayne:**

How about tacos?

 **Solid Snake:**

Works for me.

 **Bruce Wayne:**

You wanna drive?

 **Solid Snake:**

You got it!

 _Bruce Wayne and Solid Snake hop in the HOMIE MOBILE and go to get tacos. They arrive at Taco Shop._

 **Taco Shop Worker:**

Welcome to Taco Shop, I'll take your order please.

 **Snake:**

[Big Smoke's order]

 **Bruce Wayne:**

Double that.

 **Taco Shop Worker:**

That'll be five minutes and two dollars.

 _They give over the money, and eat the food a few minutes later. On the TV, there's a news story playing about a missing student._

 **News Reporter #4:**

In the news tonight, a local British homie has gone missing from home after his first day or school. Lulz. We now go live to an interview with school principal Seymour Sawyer.

 **Sawyer:**

What happened right here's a tragedy, son. Something like this should never happen in a hall of wisdom and knowledge. . . *wink* And it's deeply regrettable that this had to happen. . . *wink wink*

 **News Reporter #3:**

But I thought he went missing from home?

 **Sawyer:**

Oh he did. He went missing from home after he left school. And it's a tragedy we couldn't do anything to. . . Stop it.

 _We then cut back to the brothers, who are continuing to eat their food. Bruce has been watching, while Solid Snake has been eating the food._

 **Bruce:**

Did you hear that?

 **Snake:**

*chomps on his food*

 **Bruce:**

We've got a case!

 _Meanwhile, the Taco Shop Worker is watching them suspiciously. They finish their food and hop back in to the HOMIE MOBILE. Taco Shop Worker watches as they head off and chuckles evily in a thick Mexican accent._

 **Scene 3: Pablo and Sawyer**

 _Pablo, who is the Taco Shop Worker without a disguise, is standing above Ben's dead body._

 **Pablo:**

Does it feel good to finally bloody your own hands for once, Cinna?

 **Sawyer:**

They've been calling me Sawyer for so long it's odd to hear my real name.

 **Pablo:**

I'll bet. Now go plant evidence against Mr. Marley. We can't have them discovering Thick Boss.

 **Scene 4: The Homie Den**

 _In HOMIE MOBILE, Bruce and Snake are driving home._

 **Snake:**

Are you sure this isn't some teenage runaway?

 **Bruce:**

No way, this sounds suspicious. We gotta look into this.

 **Snake:**

Yeah, sure. A kid going missing from home sounds just like a conspiracy. Better break out the tinfoil hats, Alex Jones. It might be the Lizard People!

 **Bruce:**

Oh shut up! Alex Jones has some decent ideas, y'know?

 **Snake:**

Yeah, like the one about the frogs.

 **Bruce:**

Whatever! I'm gonna call up the homie.

 _Bruce presses the speed dial button on his phone and accidently dials a pizza place. A pizza guy picks up the phone._

 **Pizza Guy:**

Wassup Bruce, ya want your usual?

 **Bruce:**

Ooops, my bad!

 _Bruce presses 2 on speed dial. He hears a voice on the other end._

 **Bert:**

New number, who dis?

 **Snake:**

Yo we got a situation, we got a situation homie.

 **Bert:**

Alrighty. You want me to get strapped up?

 **Snake:**

Nah man, but bring us some pizzas. We hungry!

 **Bruce:**

Snake, I just called a pizza place! Why didn't you tell me? I would have placed an order!

 **Snake:**

Cause they don't got my special!

 **Bert:**

Alright, see you in a bit.

 _They drive off to the meeting place, their house. Bert, from Sesame Street, is Netflixing and Chilling and sitting on their couch, watching Real Housewives of South Side. The pizza, a 50 inch with triple stuffed crust, with bacon and pork instead of bread, covered in every topping imaginable, and it's also slathered in barbecue sauce, ranch dressing, and honey. In the middle of the pizza is an extra extra large McDTL, freshly assembled on site. Comes with a side of three McSpaghettis, extra large. The camera zooms in on a missing slice._

 **Snake:**

Yo homie! You started without me!

 **Bert:**

You said you wanted it, you didn't say you wanted the whole pizza!

 **Bruce:**

Close the door David, we gotta talk business.

 **Snake:**

Alrighty.

 _Snake closes the door. They sit down around a table and Snake begins to eat. Every once in a while, the camera changes to show Snake eating._

 **Bruce:**

We got a missing person, man. We gotta go find him. He's a kid, a little British homie from Northside Stalin High.

 **Bert:**

Homie, I don't wanna help! I lost my homie to a little British homie in Nam! The killing fields were real!

 _Bert flashes back to Vietnam, when he and Ernie were soldiers. They're running through cover. Ernie ducks behind a tree._

 **Bert:**

Watch the trees, Ernie!

 _The tree then spontaneously combusts into a nuclear explosion. It's the world's smallest nuclear blast, powerful enough to kill just one person. Bert watches in horror as his buddy goes up in flames. We then flash back to the present._

 **Bert:**

The British homies was testing out a new super weapon! A nuke small enough to affect a small area! Perfect for assassinating single targets!

 _Bruce begins to cry._

 **Bruce**

That's how my parents went out!

 _We cut to Bruce's parents being robbed in an alley way. Bruce's father tries to protect him._

 **Martha:**

Bruce, stand back!

 _The gunman fires at Thomas and Martha Wayne. They are killed by a massive nuclear explosion as Bruce watches in horror. We then cut back to the present. Snake is still eating._

 **Snake:**

Reminds me of when I worked at Chernobyl.

 _Snake is in the breakroom at Chernobyl, eating tacos._

 **Snake:**

Mmm, these are some good tacos!

 **Chernobyl Comm:**

Warning, nuclear meltdown imminent!

 **Snake:**

Ooops. Guess I shoulda got these burritos to go.

 _We then go back to the present._

 **Bruce:**

Chernobyl was your fault?

 **Snake:**

What about brothers for life, old homie? It's in the past!

 **Bert:**

In the past? Chernobyl killed it!

 **Snake:**

You been listening to that fake news again Bert! Fake news!

 **Bruce:**

So we are gonna do this or not fam? We gonna find the little British homie?

 **Snake:**

Sure, just lemme finish this pizza.

 **Bert:**

Pay me and it's a deal.

 **Bruce:**

No problem, I'll get a loan from The Count.

 **Scene 5: The Count's Bank**

 _Bruce, Bert, and Snake pull up to The Count's Bank. It looks as suspect as possible. They have a trashed up ice cream truck in the parking lot with no license plate. Trump, a cheeto, is working the front desk._

 **Trump:**

Welcome to billionaire loans, where our slogan is written on the back of a candy bar. How can we help you today?

 **Bruce:**

We're looking to take out a loan.

 _A news report appears on TV._

 **News Reporter #5:**

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Swedish Youtubers to bring you a development in the disappearance of British homie Ben Artimage. We now go live to News Reporter #4 at the scene.

 **News Reporter #4:**

Thank you #5. We're here at Stalin Northside High where music teacher Mr. B Marley has been arrested on suspicion of having something to do with the boy's disappearance. Principal Sawyer, do you have anything to say about this?

 **Principal Sawyer:**

This is an absolute travesty that things turned out this way! Mr. Marley has been a member of our family for years even though he's quite young, the youngest member of our staff, in fact. It's just a shame to have such a horrible, horrible revelation that he had something to do with those disappearances.

 **News Reporter #4:**

Disappearances? I thought only one student was missing!

 **Principal Sawyer:**

Oh no – yes – I mean, I meant the disappearance of student's personal belongings! Things have been going missing for years and we never found the culprit!

 **News Reporter #4:**

I thought we were here to talk about a missing boy.

 **Principal Sawyer:**

This interview is over! Get this camera out of my face!

 _Sawyer shoves the camera away. We then cut back to News Reporter #5._

 **News Reporter #5:**

Breaking news! Big Bird has been found safe after presumably being kidnapped from his home in Uptown Sesame Street.

 **Bert:**

I didn't even know he was missing.

 **Bruce:**

This case is well under way! Hurry up Trump, we need a small loan of a million dollars.

 **Trump:**

Sure, here's a million.

 _He hands over a thick envelop._

 **Snake:**

Gotta love communism!

 **Bruce:**

Here's the cash. You in?

 _He hands the money over to Bert._

 **Bert:**

I'll take it. Let's go help the British homie!

 **Scene 6:**

 _We cut to the Police Department, where Bob Marley is being interrogated. Grover, chief of police, is ready to interrogate._

 **Grover:**

We have ways of making you talk, sir!

 **Bob Marley:**

I didn't do anything, mon!

 **Grover:**

You know something! Maybe not what we want, but something!

 **Bob Marley:**

Okay, okay, I'll tell you what I know.

 _Grover takes out a pen and paper._

 **Bob Marley:**

I will show you.

 _Camera zooms in on Bob Marley's face._

 **Bob Marley:**

DE WAY.

 **Grover:**

No more games! Tell me where the bomb is! Or I'll blow it up myself!

 **Bob Marley:**

What bomb?

 **Grover:**

What – no, I didn't say anything about a bomb, I said Tom! Tell me where Tom is! He's been missing for months! He went to that wizard school and never came back!

 **Bob Marley:**

Have you been taking your medication, officer?

 _Grover's phone rings. He answers it._

 **Grover:**

How you get this number?

 _Pablo is at work, supposed to be watching the deep fryer._

 **Pablo:**

Have you finished the interrogation yet?

 **Grover:**

Haven't started yet.

 _Grover picks up a fidget spinner._

 **Grover:**

Don't worry. I'll start with this.

 **Pablo:**

You're talking to me on the phone, I don't know what you're intimidating him with.

 **Grover:**

I'm holding a fidget spinner.

 _Dun dun dun sound effect sounds. He then hangs up. Grover throws a fidget spinner at him._

 **Grover:**

I choose you, Blue Eyes White Dragon!

 _He then pulls out a eye dropper and begins to use Chinese water torture on Bob Marley._

 **Grover:**

Where are your rebel friends now?

 **Bob Marley:**

I don't know what you're talking about, mon! I'm just a music teacher sir!

 **Grover:**

Correction, you were a music teacher, now, you're a prisoner!

 _We then get a shot of the door to the room. It slowly zooms out, law in order style, as Bob Marley screams in pain._

 **Scene 7:**

 _We then cut to Pablo. He's in his evil base in the basement of the school. He's got portraits of Big Smoke hanging all over the wall. Big Smoke was his father. He's sitting there, holding a bag of his father's favorite takeout order, and crying. The door opens, and it's the ghost of Big Smoke. Takes place three scenes before the events of the movie._

 **Big Smoke:**

What's good mah dawg?

 **Pablo:**

Oh! Father!

 **Big Smoke:**

Yeah baby, it's me. I'm back. I gotta tell you some things. Some real heavy things though. You ready?

 **Pablo:**

What ya mean? You just come out of nowhere, what are ya doin here dad? You're dead, this must be a ghost!

 **Big Smoke:**

I ain't dead, just pale. I gotta get a sun tan.

 **Pablo:**

But I was there! No I wasn't, but I would been!

 **Big Smoke:**

Son, ya gotta listen to me. The streets is cold dawg, like it says in the book, we are blessed AND cursed. You gotta reunite the homies. We need our own place. A place where we will always be needed. And we will call it. . . Outer Drive Through.

 **Pablo:**

What do you mean dad? I thought you just wanted the power!

 **Big Smoke:**

No son, I realize now. It's not just about now, it's about forever. We gonna be gone one day. We gotta fix it. We gotta make sure we will always be needed.

 **Pablo:**

Alright pop. I'll do it. For you, homie.

 **Big Smoke:**

Good. Then I can rest peacefully at last. But before I go, do ya old man a favor. Pass me one of them number 9's.

 _Pablo tosses Big Smoke a number 9._

 **Big Smoke:**

Thanks baby. See ya.

 _Big Smoke then fades away._

 **Scene 8:**

 _Bruce, Snake, and Bert pull up to the Police Station. They go inside and head to the front desk. Dumbledore, from Harry Potter, works the front desk. Reality kicked in and he was fired from Hogwarts for unsafe conditions at the school._

 **Bruce:**

Hey Gandalf! You work here now?

 **Dumbledore:**

I'm not Gandalf, he's my cousin! We look very much alike. I'm Dumbledore, former Head Master of Hogwarts School of Magicry.

 **Bert:**

What happened homie? Did you get fired

 **Dumbledore:**

Yes. Apparently running a school where losing limbs is a daily occurrence is not proper.

 **Bruce:**

Yeah, I'd say that's not safe. We're here to pay that Jamaican guy's bail.

 **Dumbledore:**

Oh, let me check with my boss.

 _We cut to Grover in his office, just chilling and eating glass._

 **Grover:**

New number who this?

 **Dumbledore:**

Commissioner Grover Gordonson, this is the front desk reporting.

 **Grover:**

This better be important.

 **Dumbledore:**

It is. Bruce Wayne, Solid Snake, and some shmuck gang leader want to pay someone's bail.

 **Grover:**

Who's bail is it?

 **Dumbledore:**

The fabulous looking music teacher.

 **Grover:**

Triple the bail, then!

 **Dumbledore:**

The bail is a million dollars and five cents. Still want to pay it?

 **Snake:**

We can't afford that! But how about we. . . "persuade" you to release him?

 _Skyrim music plays in the background._

 **Dumbledore:**

With what?

 **Snake:**

You know he's been falsely accused. Why don't you help us out?

 **Dumbledore:**

No, I don't think so. Persuasion check failed!

 **Snake:**

Time to intimidate instead! _*he slams his hands down on the table and gets close to Dumbledore's face*_ I'm sure a lot of reporters would love to know what happened to Dumbledore after he got figured.

 **Dumbledore:**

Okay okay, I can take you to see him, but I still can't let him out!

 _Camera zooms in on Snake's face and says Speechcraft increased. Dumbledore takes them to see Bob Marley, who is now imprisoned after suffering from Chinese water torture and attacks by a fidget spinner._

 **Bob Marley:**

I told the Commissioner, I didn't do nothing!

 **Bruce:**

We believe you. We want to know what you know about the little British homie.

 **Bob Marley**

I don't know nothing about no kid! Don't beat me again, please! I'll tell you where the bomb is, don't hurt me again sir!

 **Bert:**

What bomb?

 **Bob Marley:**

There is no bomb! Grover mentioned a bomb! He planted it! It's in the men's urinal!

 _We then cut to Grover. He's in his office, pushing the button furiously like The Joker from The Dark Knight._

 **Bruce:**

We gotta get outta here!

 _Bert tries the door._

 **Bert:**

We can't, the door is locked!

 _Dumbledore drops his keys and hits his head on the wall._

 **Dumbledore:**

Oh no I am unconscious now!

 _Dumbledore collapses and "falls unconscious". Snake takes the keys and starts beating the lock with them. The door opens. Yes, because he beat it with the key. We then go back to Grover, who's smashing the button for the bomb against his desk. Then it cuts to them leaving the building – Bob Marley, Bert, Snake, and Bruce. Dumbledore is left behind._

 **Dumbledore:**

Good thing I'm just 20 minutes from retirement.

 _It then cuts to Grover finally getting the button to go off. The police station explodes in a massive fireball._

 **Bruce:**

Maybe we should've done something about that?

 **Bert:**

Where's Dumbledore?

 **Snake:**

Don't worry. His magic will protect him.

 _The camera then pans to Chris Hansen._

 **Hansen:**

I'm Chris Hansen, and occasionally, I work as a narrator. But his magic didn't protect him. As magical as he was, ain't nobody taking a point blank explosion like that. Now why don't you take a seat in my narrator office, and we can discuss what happens next.

 _We then cut to Grover, who emerges from the burning building just wearing a hat._

 **Grover:**

Good thing this hat makes Super Grover!

 **Scene 8:**

 _We then cut to Bruce, Bert, Snake, and Bob Marley in the homie mobile._

 **Snake:**

So Bobby, can I call ya Bobby, what you know about that missing boy?

 **Bob Marley:**

I don't know nothing, but I do know someone who does know something! Please, please, don't tazer me again! It's that Sawyer homie, man! He knows something I swear! He knows something man!

 **Bruce:**

The Principal from the school?

 **Bert:**

That homie . . . Wait. . .I remember that man. Sawyer, you said his name was?

 _We then flashback to Bert's past. We see a photoshoped version of the scene where Scar kills Mufasa. Bert is Simba, Scar is Sawyer, and Cookie Monster is Mufasa._

 **Bruce:**

That's the most unbelievable thing I've ever heard.

 **Snake:**

I fought a vampire and that made more sense!

 **Bert:**

It was a different time, man!

 **Bob Marley:**

Makes sense to me mon. Shame about Cookie Monster though. Dat homie owed me rent money!

 **Bruce:**

But you're sure it was Sawyer?

 **Bert:**

I'm as sure of that as I'll ever be. It was so long ago man, hard to remember.

 **Snake:**

We gotta go stop that man.

 _They drive off to the school._

 **Scene 9**

 _Two months before the events of the film, Sawyer is breaking Mr. Krabs, here referred to as Senior Cangrejo, out of prison._

 **Sawyer:**

Senior Cangrejo! I have come to bust you out of prison.

 **Cangrejo:**

*Krab laugh* You think you can bust me out lad? They call it solitary maximum security for a reason lad!

 **Sawyer:**

That may be true, but they also don't call me the Secret Spy for nothing!

 **Cangrejo:**

Oh, words laddy! Show me some action, and your wallet lad!  
 _We hear a bomb go off in the eastern cellblock. We see security running towards the sound._

 **Sawyer:**

Where's the keys man?

 **Cangrejo:**

I'll tell ya if ya give me a dollar.

 _Sawyer gives him a dollar. Krabs then laughs._

 **Cangrejo:**

Now stand back laddy, and let a real man show ya the warps!

 _Mr. Krabs grabs the bars and rips them open._

 **Sawyer:**

You could've done that the whole time!

 **Cangrejo:**

No, lad. It would've been free any other time!

 _They run off to the front gate. They see a security guard. He's Tweedle Dum for The Wolf Among Us._

 **Tweedle Dum:**

Hold up there girls, y'all ain't going nowhere.

 **Sawyer:**

Hold up, who are you? I didn't see you on the way in!

 **Tweedle Dum:**

I was on. . . Lunch break. Now, y'all just go back into that cell, and I won't tell anyone this happened. Unless. . . Y'all want to pay.

 **Cangrejo:**

If it's a fight ya want laddy, it's a fight you'll git!

 **Dum:**

Hold on now, things don't need to get sloppy here boys. I mean money!

 **Cangrejo:**

Never!

 _Sawyer slides Dum a 20._

 **Dum:**

Pleasure doing business with ya boys.

 _Dum opens the gate._

 **Cangrejo:**

How dare ya give me a dollar when ya give him 20!

 **Sawyer:**

You did say "a" dollar.

 _It then cuts to them walking through the gate._

 **Scene 10:**

 _We cut to the villains at present day. They are sitting at a high table. Sawyer, Senior Cangrejo, Pablo, Grover. They are awaiting a video call from their boss, the mysterious El Mo. He appears in silhouette._

 **El Mo:**

How is the mission going?

 **Cangrejo:**

It's going good enough boss man.

 **El Mo:**

How about someone else talk instead of some low life thug?

 **Cangrejo:**

How about we talk about those skeletons in your closet?

 **El Mo:**

Shut your crabby face Cangrejo! Or I'll send you back to that burger joint of yours! And I'll tell the world what you did to that health inspector!

 **Cangrejo:**

I know nothing.

 **Grover:**

The super tank is almost complete Mr. Redguysir!

 **El Mo:**

Watch it! No one must reveal my secret identity.

 **Sawyer:**

Of course oh tickly one! We will keep your secret.

 **El Mo:**

Good! Now Pablo, finish the tank. The worldwide destruction must commence!

 **Pablo:**

Alright. And don't worry. We'll feed your fish.

 _There's a goldfish bowl next to Pablo. The camera shows it._

 **El Mo:**

Good. Out.

 _El Mo's video feed cuts out. The moment the feed cuts out, Pablo knocks the fishbowl off the table, killing El Mo's fish._

 **Pablo**

Alright gentlemen, time for the real meeting to start.

 _We then get a panoramic shot of all the villains – Senior Crangejo, Grover, Pablo, and Sawyer. The camera stops and then zooms in on Grover. Many years ago, Grover was a respected scientist, building a flamethrower that fires tear gas. He was a human – not a Muppet. But then it explodes in his face, turning him into the insane Muppet we know today. Years later, he's manning the front desk at the police station. He hates everything, Sesame Street finally had its last season, and everything is falling apart. Newsreporter #1 is on the TV._

 **Newsreporter #1:**

As the injury and destruction continues to rise, things in our beloved city have continued to spiral out of control over the last few hours. Sesame Street had its last season yesterday, and now chaos has broken lose! Things have reached a crisis point, and now-

 _Telly Monster drives onto the set and jumps out wearing a bomb vest._

 **Telly Monster:**

For the streets!

 _Telly Monster explodes, destroying the set._

 **Grover:**

Uh, this job sucks. . . Things are doomed, I gotta get outta here! Forget this job!

 _Sawyer walks._

 **Sawyer:**

I'll give you money, power, notoriety. . . In exchange for just one little thing.

 **Grover:**

What's that?

 **Sawyer:**

A new type of ammo.

 **Grover:**

I'm gonna need a little bit more faith than that.

 **Sawyer:**

Perhaps Commissioner Gordon should enter an early retirement.

 **Grover:**

Done.

 _We then cut to Commissioner Gordon getting beaten with a night stick. It's literally a picture of him, his soul is trapped in a picture. We then cut to Sawyer, back at the High Table, to reveal his backstory._

 _It's 1950. Sawyer steps off the boat in Argentina. When he steps off the boat, Big Boss is waiting for him._

 **Big Boss:**

Welcome to Argentina, friend.

 **Sawyer:**

I'm not your friend, I don't know you!

 **Big Boss:**

We know who are you are, Cinna.

 **Sawyer:**

Please don't send me back to the Gulag!

 **Big Boss:**

We won't. If you do a little job for us.

 **Sawyer:**

Fine. Anything to avoid Stalin. What do you want from me?

 _We then cut back to the present day. The camera then zooms in on Cangrejo's face, and cuts to when he worked at McDonalds. He's at the cash register when Bubble Bass walks up to him._

 **Bubble Bass:**

I'll take a MCDLT.

 **Cangrejo:**

We don't sell those anymore, sir.

 **Bubble Bass:**

I recognize you boy! You used to run that restaurant that forgot the pickles!

 **Cangrejo:**

I didn't forget no pickles, you didn't order em!

 _Bubble Bass pulls out a receipt showing that in this universe, he did, in fact, order pickles._

 **Bubble Bass:**

No wonder the Krusty Krab got closed down.

 _Cangrejo gets angry._

 **Cangrejo:**

What will ya have?

 **Bubble Bass:**

I'll take two McDoubles, two Big Macs, and I want pickles on both of those. You got that, you filthy crab?

 **Cangrejo:**

We'll have that for ya in a minute, sir.

 **Bubble Bass:**

Good, you filthy crustacean.

 _The phone rings. Cangrejo goes to answer it. Patrick is on the other line._

 **Patrick:**

Is the Krusty Crab?

 _Cangrejo screams, puts the phone down, and goes on a murderous rampage. The camera only shows the phone as screams and splatters are heard throughout the building. On the other line, Patrick is stone faced, horrified to hear all of this ruthless carnage. We then cut back to the circle of villains._

 **Sawyer:**

Where should we begin?

 **Scene 11:**

 _Our heroes – Bob Marley, Bruce, Snake, and Bert arrive at the school. Suddenly, Bob Marley begins to have a heart attack._

 **Bob Marley:**

Arghh! Heart attack! Too much bacon!

 _A sniper bullet then sails in, obliterating Bob Marley with a single shot nuclear bullet. The heroes are completely uncaring, and they just take cover. Hank Hill is in the window, wearing an eye patch on his right eye, with a cross on his left cheek, sniper rifle in hand. He speaks extremely slow._

 **Hank Hill:**

Pro-pain.

 _He takes another shot and obliterates the HOMIE MOBILE._

 **Bruce:**

That was my car!

 _Bruce, Bert, and Snake take cover. When they look up, Hank Hill is gone._

 **Bert:**

Where did he go?

 **Snake:**

Homie bounced!

 _They continue on their way into the school. They enter, and meet the janitor – a living mop._

 **Mr. Sweepy:**

Hold up there buddy! School's closed today. What are ya doing here?

 **Bruce:**

Where is he?

 **Mr. Sweepy:**

Who you talkin' about?

 **Bruce:**

Principal Sawyer!

 **Mr. Sweepy:**

Last I saw, he was headed to his office. He was making a big mess all over the floor!

 **Bruce:**

Which way?

 _Mr. Sweepy falls over and points the direction._

 **Snake:**

Thank you Janitor.

 _Mr. Sweepy is now back upright._

 **Mr. Sweepy:**

Thanks sonny, but now I gotta get back to work. Gotta SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP.

 _Mr. Sweepy zooms off while the final sweep echoes. They head off to Sawyer's office. The meeting is still going on. Snake kicks open the door._

 **Snake:**

Freeze villains! Where are the pharmaceuticals?

 _Bruce whispers to Snake._

 **Bruce:**

That's not what we came here for.

 **Snake:**

Oh. Where's the little British homie?

 _All the villains pull out weapons and prepare to open fire. Pablo puts out his hands._

 **Pablo:**

Hold your fire! For now.

 _Pablo grins._

 **Cangrejo:**

If you think I'm gonna show mercy to these little thugs you got another thing coming buster!

 _Cangrejo is looking at the heroes while he says this, but speaking to Pablo._

 **Pablo:**

Can we discuss terms of peace, good sirs?

 **Bruce:**

You killed our loved with your new weapon. That blood is on your hands!

 **Pablo:**

It was not I who pulled the trigger. We were not involved in any way.

 **Bert:**

Then who shot my homie! And Bruce's parents! And killed Cookie Monster!

 **Pablo:**

It was a man. But a man known only by the codename Hankster Hillington.

 **Sawyer:**

But I still killed cookie monster. I take credit for that. And made a hat out of his head.

 _The camera zooms out to show Sawyer wearing a cookie monster hat. Bert and Bruce gasp. Then, we go back to the flashbacks from earlier. With Bruce's parents, a first person perspective is shown. The gunman was Hank Hill._

 **Hank Hill:**

This is for starting Wayne Propane!

 _Back in Vietnam, the camera zooms in on Hank's face holding a sniper rifle as he takes aim at Ernie._

 **Hank Hill:**

This may be a bit propane-full.

 _We cut back to the present._

 **Pablo:**

Your memories are flawed.

 **Snake:**

Why didn't my memory change?

 **Pablo:**

You still caused Chernobyl, you monster.

 **Snake:**

Oh yeah. That was my bad.

 _We cut to Solid Snake, grilling toast over the nuclear core._

 **Snake:**

Mmm. . . I love some of this toast.

 _Warning sirens go off._

 **Chernobyl Comms:**

Warning! Reactor meltdown in progress!

 **Snake:**

Thank goodness I'm not in the core.

 _Camera zooms out, showing that he is, in fact, in the core, and using it as a toaster._

 **Pablo:**

As you can see, we are not bad men. Just decent men in an indecent world, trying to serve the greater good.

 **Snake:**

We have evidence of your crimes!

 **Pablo:**

What evidence?

 **Bert:**

Uh, we were supposed to get that?

 **Bruce:**

Uh. . . Just some circumstantial stuff. And also nonphysical.

 **Snake:**

We got nothing. But we know it was you! Open fire boys!

 _Snake, Bruce, and Bert open fire. The villains, Pablo aside, hit the deck and take cover. Pablo, El Duce from Boondock Saints, draws two guns from his trenchcoat – they're AK's, and starts twirling as his trenchcoat flutters like a cape. Skillfully, elegantly, he guns down all three heroes while dodging the attacks of his enemies. It's like swordplay, except with guns. Snake goes down first._

 **Bruce:**

SNAKE!

 _Bruce gets cut down next._

 **Bert:**

This is for Vietnam!

 _Bert is then shot down. Our heroes lie on the floor, dead. Pablo takes a deep breath. The villains pop up from behind cover._

 **Grover:**

It's all ogre now.

 **Pablo:**

Yes. Yes it is.

 _Mr. Sweepy comes around the corner. The Metal Gear Solid trademark alert noise sounds. He zooms into the room and starts cleaning up the mess._

 **Mr. Sweepy:**

Sweep! Sweep Sweep!

 **Pablo:**

Thank you, Janitor Sweepy. You set them up well.

 _Squilliam, Squidward's cousin, arrives._

 **Squilliam:**

The tank is complete sir.

 **Pablo:**

Fantastic. El Mo, we bring you war!

 **Scene 12:**

 _We then cut to the news._

 **News Reporter #25:**

Breaking news! Three vigilantes have been found dead in the basement of Northside Stalin High.

 _The camera zooms out and shows Big Bird watching on the TV. He laughs._


End file.
